Rainy Tuesday

Today is raining -- again. It's Tuesday -- duh, again. Trying real hard to not let it be a not so good day.  Thinking good thoughts, praying good prayers -- prayers that don't ask so much for my own peace and serenity, but that I might be used to bring those things to others.  To be the hands and feet.  and face.

this i pray.

a blink of an eye

Living means that at some point you learn that lives can change, irrevocably, forever, never to be the same, in the blink of an eye. 


The life you knew is gone. 


Usually these moments are momentous: a sudden death of a loved one; the prognosis of a terrible illness; news of life changing portent.


But sometimes these blinks are not as obviously momentous. 


Your life can change just as radically though.

Tuesdays

I hate Tuesdays.

Three weeks from anywhere....a geographical oddity, heh?

Three weeks into a new life....

They say that it takes three weeks to a make habit a habit.

Three weeks to break a habit, as well.

It evidently takes more than three weeks to make a new life feel right. To find the ebb and flow where you can breathe.

I have had at least one child in my daily life for more than 27 years; I guess it's okay that it is taking more than 3 weeks to get to my new destination. A destination where a child doesn't factor, somehow, into my daily life. Wherever, however that destination may look.

I am lonely.

I am trying really hard to keep busy.

I hurt my back.

I have wonderful friends.

I miss my daughter terribly.

I hate housework (translation -- the cleaning like a fiend manner of dealing does not hit me, damnitalltohell).

The rain has returned -- at least for a good bit of today. Supposed to be gone tomorrow and Sunday, and then will be back on Monday.

I go back to work on Monday. Good thing.

The hot, nasty breath of depression is chasing me like the hound from hell.

It's gaining, folks.

The thing is, even if I could get somewhere in three weeks, I have not a clue as to the destination I would like to arrive at.

I'll try to start with that....

....but no promises.

Life transitions

Just got home from Savannah -- left my girl there.

From valorie-knitter-with-an-o

She's going to one awesome art school that is tailor made for her and her talents and nature and learning style.


She has the opportunity to thrive in a beautiful, diverse, yet comfortingly southern city.


She is adjusting to being away and living with a roommate she just met the day of move in.


She is doing great.


Me...not so much.


Huge life moment. Lots and lots and lots of memories. She was a baby just the other day, wearing her daddy's tie and my high heels.


She was "too little to ride the school bus.


She just came and told me "Mommy, I don't want you to freak out....,(freak out start in progress......but I just started my period." freak out aborted.... inward sigh and giggle.

We watch Food TVafter school and take a nap in the late afternoon sun.

We talk when she gets home late at night when her daddy is already in bed.

I know she is not gone forever. 

I KNOW that it's only a short nine weeks before she's home again. 

I KNOW she's not *that* far away. 

I KNOW that I haven't lost my little girl. I KNOW!!!!

But, our lives have changed, we have come to a transition time of our lives, and while that IS A GOOD THING, it is a different thing and my heart hurts. 

Because what was will never be again. 

What will be has all the possibilities, potential and wonder of the new. What was was wonderful, blessed, cherished (even in the less than stellar times) and unique. And will not be again. That is what I am feeling the loss of.  

It hurts really, really, really, really bad.

What I KNOW and what I FEEL are not compatible at all.

Mommys & Daddys, those babies grow up really, really, really fast. Hug your girls for me, please. Kiss them as they sleep every chance you get.

I'll be okay, I promise. I know who holds me and Nat.

I will be fine.

But not just yet.

Right now I just want my baby home with me.

Random thoughts

One of the best things I was taught about studying the bible is that it answers not "how?" but "why."

Also, that the subject matter is NOT humanity, but GOD!

Along those lines, I was thinking this morning: the purpose of the various and often disparate stories in the bible is not necessarily to teach us the nature of humanity -- be it good or bad. While it must do just this -- having been written by human hands and colored by their world and world views - if this were their only purpose, it would be just another group of stories.

But so many that I know believe this is the main purpose of the bible, even if they don't realize it. They think the bible is supposed to show us the "right" way to be and live. And while this can (and maybe even should) be a result of living a life influenced by the bible -- I don't believe that we will ever be the same people as the original authors of the bible, nor should we strive simply to mimic them. Therefore, I don't believe the bible's ultimate purpose is simply to show us how to live.

I can tell you a story about myself and those who live around me -- what their lives look like, what they do and how they act. I can label those actions that benefit my society at large, those actions that are considered selfish, what it takes to live a life of contentment where I live, what those people do that my part of society doesn't much care for -- and you will know something about my part of the world.

That does not mean you will know a single thing about the people that live 2000 miles away from me -- or anything at all about their world. Or more importantly, what is right and good in their lives. In my story, I may or may not have given those people anything truly TRUE. I might have --but then again, I might not.

But if I tell you a story of how GOD has worked in my life and in the lives of those who live around me, what God means and how God influences our lives -- the people who live 2000 miles away will definitely learn something. And vice versa. The TRUTH of who God is, how God works, what God promises -- now, that is something that all can be given regardless time, space, world view.

That is what I believe the bible gives us. An unchanging, unified picture of God.

That is how and why I read the bible -- to learn about God. Period.

All the rest that happens because I read the bible is secondary benefit. Just like the story of Esther.

A post for another day.

ahhhhhhh

it simply doesn't get any better than sitting outside in the middle of March, enjoying the birds, the warm (78 degrees!) drinking some luscious something from Starbucks, having enjoyed lunch with wonderful friends.

and I'm on my way for a new haircut to boot.

Ahhhhh........

Random blessings

Well, I was a mite bitchy in the last post, wasn't I? Just for the sake of balance -- yin and yang, ya' know, I thought I would contemplate those things I am thankful for. No need to wait for Thanksgiving, huh? 

Here are 50 things I am thankful for: (in no real particular order of significance)

1. My husband -- he is kind, loving, considerate, thoughtful and loyal. 
   
2. That I still have my mother and father, and that they are still married. It will be 50 years, as a matter of fact, this coming May.
   
3. That when I talk to my brothers on the phone we usually end our conversations with "Love you"/"Love you, too." We mean it.
   
4. I have learned the power and freedom of being able to admit I am wrong -- it is waaay easier to get forgiveness than to try to justify.
   
5. I had a kitty for nearly 19 years -- I will miss her the rest of my life.
   
6. My son. He is my first born. Explanation enough.
   
7. My daughter. She is joy in my life.* I am thankful that I will miss her when she goes away to college next fall.
   
8. My grandson, who is so sweet and growing up sooooo fast!
9.  Winter trees.**
10. Bella, our puppy dog.
    
11. The late afternoon sun that comes through my den window.
    
12. My wind chimes.
13. That I had the opportunity to go to Austria this winter.
14. .... to go to the Bahama's in December 4 years ago.
15. .... to go to Costa Rica on a mission trip, twice.
16. The cow field on Hwy 27 and the baby cows that are there throughout the year.
17. That I have seen the huge redwoods in the PNW.
18. That I have been truly in love.
19. Twilight.
20. Listening to the birds sing.
21. Listening to the ocean at night.
22. Hearing my children laugh.
23. That I have a nice home, full of color.
24. That I don't go hungry. 
25. Debra.
26. and Jeanne.
27. Books and music.
28. That I not only love my daughter-in-law, but I really, really  like her!
29. That I got to see Queen in concert.
30. That I have seen a lot of the country that I live in.
31. Fresh peaches and tomatoes!
32. and flowers.
33. Sharing a glass of wine with friends/family.
34. My family is a "huggy/kissy" one.
35. I love studying/learning/school -- including Ancient Greek!
36. my yarn stash! 
37. that I remember my grandmother.
38. that I remember my first "real" kiss (I was 10).
39. that I believed in Santa until I was 10 (hmm....)
40. late afternoon breezes in the summertime.
41. the memory of my son falling asleep on the couch listening to jazz.
42. afternoon naps with Nat watching foodtv
43. knowing that a contented life is a good life.
44. having a contented life.
45. the memories of our wedding day
46. that I've had the chance to give of myself
47. candlelight
48. the smell of gardenias
49. knowing and loving the Lord.
50. that the Lord knows and loves me.

I have a lot to be thankful for. Good to remember that on days when you don't feel like you have anything going for you.

* Not a grammatical error -- I meant to say it that way "She is joy in my life".

** See previous post

Random Rants

This is utterly un-****-ing believable!  

When did we start thinking that the random laws of nature could - nay- should- be averted?  What more could anyone, short of God, have done to keep these people safe?  Note to those who say they may have been traumatized by the "miracle on the Hudson" -- going up, up and awaaay into the ether is not a  "natural" thing!  It still defies the laws of gravity, no matter how many times we have done it, no matter how adept we are at manipulating the laws of gravity -- flying in an airplane is not fail-safe! You always take a risk when you fly -- perhaps not as big a risk as it used to be, maybe not even as big a risk as driving your car down the freeway, but it is a risk nonetheless.  Something might happen -- that's just how it goes. 

You know, that's the truth NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO IN LIFE - you could be walking down the street and a piano might fall on you -- not likely, but possible.

Anyway, what we can ask of those who take responsibility for flying us is that they do everything possible, everything humanly possible, that is -- to see that we are as safe as we can be in such circumstances -- have a qualified pilot, a vehicle in good working order, well trained staff to deal with unforeseen occurrences, you know.

But, when the geese fly into the plane, unexpectedly, well, whatcha gonna do?  

Me, I'd pray. 

But, for the flight on U.S. Airways, they had a uber-qualified pilot, an empty spot on the river, several ferries on the side, and no massive airplane breakage.

If they ask me, I'd say that the hand of God was under them, saving them. No one lost their life -- NO ONE! What are they suing for?  That U.S. Airways was negligent? That the pilot was? The geese -- yeah, that must be it, sue the fricking geese!!!!

Now if they are suing for their lost possessions, then that's just greedy -- there is no need to grumble "suit, suit, suit"  -- from what I've read, U.S. Airways is willing to work with them on their possession claims if they are over $5,000.

But, pain and suffering?  Trauma? Of course they suffered those things -- but didn't they assume the risk of suffering those things when they agreed to violate the laws of nature?  No one caused their suffering except nature. 

Don't we always assume the risk of suffering when we violate the laws of nature? 

Well, that would easily slide right into a discussion about sin and the consequences of sin on humanity and creation, but that's for another time.

I really, really hope no one sues U.S. Airways for this -- that would just be pitiful.

trees

I like trees. Or more specifically, I like winter trees, trees bare and naked, no leaves to hide their shape. It is only in the winter that a tree's true nature can be seen. Regal and pyramidal; slender and wispy limbed; sprawling and gangly; sparse and understated -- only when fall and the cold of winter have ruthlessly stripped the trees of their clothing can I really see them. I see the very top limbs, tiny and many fingered, grabbing for the sky. Or the neat, tidy pyramids standing firm and strong, waiting patiently and wistfully for spring to come. Best of all I like looking at those trees that have grown helter skelter, limbs twisting and turning every which-a-way, but always reaching upwards and onwards.

Only in winter do the trees show how alive they are -- the promise of the first fuzz of spring found in the last tenacious leaf holding on precariously.

It is winter trees that inspire me -- inspire me to photography, they make me wish I could draw, to capture their quiet energy and hope. Somehow, winter trees are the embodiment of hope.

yet again.

I hope that whatever this is that is causing me discomfort will simply go away! I am weary of having something come along just as I am beginning to feel good -- good about life, ready to accomplish things, excited about possibilities.

BAM! 

Feel like crap, again, pain and discomfort -- but not enough that it's really serious (for which I am thankful, really, I am), but enough that I just don't feel good. And that messes with my head.

Shit.

a moment in time

a sense of time, of being on the edge, peering over, anticipating the coming...

It is truly a historical day, and while the amazing - nigh unbelievable - event that will take place this morning is the event that will go down in the history books, what I feel taking place historically is a wave of grittiness, a sense of determined hope, a linking of arms of our country that says emphatically "we will not give in". 

We are saying we will not give in to despair or continued mudslinging or apathy. We will overcome.

And we're excited about this idea of hunkering down -- that's what so amazing and contagious to me. Excited, enthusiastic, ready to face our future with bright shiny faces. Nobody is saying things are going to be hunky dory in the morning, that things aren't really that bad off -- no, we know it's the long haul ahead of us, it may even get worse, for heaven's sake. 

But for the first time in a long time, that is not what we as a country are focusing on -- what we are focusing on is what we can do to get beyond that, focusing on how we each, individually and collectively, are responsible for our own lives -- we are not simply waiting for the government to do something -- we are waiting and raring to go and do that something ourselves.

That is historical -- a moment in time when a people (re)discovers their own worth and ability and potential -- a moment when life is sweet again.

Thank you, Mr. President.

waiting...

health issues....wanting to be healthy, yet not doing even those easy things that I know I should...simply feeling like crap....

It's hard to live up to my quote.